Monday, August 24, 2015

Blurred Edges of a Best Day Ever

Sometimes, a moment is crystallized forever in our memories. Years later, we can tell you exactly what we thought and felt at a moment, down to what the smells and sounds were around us at that second.
This time several years ago, I remember everything falling apart. I had a kid in the hospital at the start of an excruciating journey. My heart was shattered and I kept having to remind myself to breathe, lest I forget. I had someone in my corner fighting the hard fight with me, and everything else going well. These things were pure joy. 
 I remember standing on a rock in my back yard, talking on the phone with my counselor. I remember the smell of aspen leaves all around me, and the chill autumn air, as I stood outside, trying to keep my falling apart away from everyone else.I called her because I couldn't breathe from the crushing hurt and worry and fear, and yet I had happiness creeping in at the edges of my heartbreak. I was balancing on the rock, on my tippy toes, telling her that I couldn't handle feeling joy and pain all jumbled together.

She asked, "Why not?"
As I balanced precariously on the rock, my phone tucked in my shoulder, my arms out to my side in some attempt to do a yoga pose, I told her, "I only like feeling one emotion at a time. I want just joy or just heartbreak. I don't want the edges blurred."

She laughed. Gently.
Informed me that life is a big messy jumble, and that if I was healthy, all of the feelings would be intertwined. All of the joy and hurt and happiness and heartbreak were going to be tumbled together in a blur. That is life.

I get it now. I still prefer my joy pure and unadulterated, and my heartbreak in small quinine doses. But more often, the pure joy is tinged with a bittersweet sadness, and the shattering pieces are softened with hope or grace.
My favourite adult wakes up most days with the intent of having a #BDE. Best Day Ever. I think about this often, but not often enough. Sometimes, the BDE may be a small moment that sustains us in the midst of a storm. Sometimes, it might be an amazing weekend in Vegas full of joy, but tinged with the regret of past hurts and unspoken apologies. And sometimes, a BDE might just be the promise of a new day, full of joy and bittersweet, a big messy jumble with blurred edges and crystalline moments all mixed.
And that is life. Sweet and sour, happiness and heartbreak, crushing hurts and sweet joys, all intertwined together. The key is recognizing it.

Peace and love and crystal clear moments amongst the blurred edges, buttercups. XOXO

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