Monday, April 1, 2013

Get off my lawn....

I find myself getting annoyed a lot lately. This is not my usual- I can normally let things roll off my back. Unless these things involve wet towels or dog hair in my toothbrush, but I digress.

No, I find myself getting annoyed in a way that I want to kick people in their shins or trip them. Often. Instead of doing this, because I am old enough to know that my liability coverage won't cover intentional misdeeds, I am just making a list of things that annoy me.

  1. Jimmy John commercials. Every time I hear one on the radio, I vow to never step foot in one of their sammich shops. Really, who thought it was a good idea to yell in a staccato and increasing way for me to buy your shit?
  2. Colored fog lights. When you drive up behind me with your pink fog lights on the I, I want to slow down to the speed my ex-mother-in-law would drive. That's right, forty slow miles an hour. Your pink fog lights are glaring and obnoxious and your money would be better spent lasering off that bad tramp stamp you probably regret.
  3. Assholes- you know who you are. You really try to harsh my gig, and I am not even letting you in the door. No, really. You cannot come through my door, even if there are zombies who are chasing you and wanting to eat your brains. In that case, you better learn how to climb a tree, because your annoying self is not coming through my door. 
  4. IKEA screws. Annoying little pre-stripped things.
  5. Selfies- I don't understand. I realize this is because I am old.
  6. Getting old- I realize this, and it pisses me off. I am getting old because I don't understand the idea of going to the mall and hanging out, or selfies, or duck faces, or mean girls. And the fact that everything is annoying me confirms that I am getting old. Or turning into a fourteen-year-old.  Whatev.
  7. Thinking about herbs and supplements- I just want my iron and calcium. Seeing bottles with words like 'slippery elm' and 'red yeast rice' makes me feel a little sickly.
That is it for now, buttercups. I am annoyed with being annoyed. Peace and wet kisses, unless you are an asshole. In that case, get off my lawn.

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