Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I am a serial monogamist. I hatehatehate the idea of dating, so I have dated less than a handful of people in seventeen years. This relationship lasted well over two years and I got veddy used to being part of the 'and'. People invited C 'and' Robyn to events. Conversations were about C 'and' Robyn. Plans were for C 'and' Robyn.
And now there is no more 'and'. Just me. Absolutely frikking terrifying, but also a little bit exciting. I have spent my whole life being the 'and' but I am taking a break just to be me. I plan on taking care of my monkeys, my dogs, AND me. I plan on standing on my own two feet, learning what I want and what I don't want.
I spent two days moping and being self-destructive. I smoked seven cigarettes, God help me. I wrote, I cried, I felt properly sorry for myself. I wondered what I had done to deserve this with everything else that is so overwhelming right now.
AND then, I cleaned my garage. I scrubbed my kitchen. I took the world's longest shower to try to get the nasty nasty smoke and garage foulness off of myself. I worked on a painting. I took my doggies on a two hour walk, had tea AND coffee with friends. I worked out til my muscles shook. AND I realized that I have been so busy trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, to take care of everyone else that I have not taken care of me in a very long time.
So I am going to be JUST me. I am going to work out when I want, run when I want, go to church. I am going to watch tacky TV without shame or judgement. I am going to avoid pork chops like the Plague and indulge in sashimi like it is my last meal. Again, God help me, I am going to buy a drill and use it properly. I am going to buy a lawnmower and learn how the contraptions work.
I am going to revel in being a Table for One. Just one.
I used to have reservoirs just a few steps from my wee cottage's front door. Full of bears, squirrels, deer, foxes, and a few animals I ...