Sunday, October 7, 2018

Ice Cream Cookie Cakes

This word has so much weight, but only if we allow it.

A bit of a backstory here. Actually two backstories. The first one involves He Who Must Not Be Named's best friend, whom we shall call Good Ol'Boy. The man likes his beer. And his Malibu. And his Crown. He gets really mean and mouthy after he drinks, which is far too often. I have been blessed in that I have very rarely had to deal with him over the last few years. After the end of my relationship with He Who Must Not Be Named, I might see him occasionally at a town council meeting or a farmer's market. He was no longer part of my daily life, so I no longer had to try and gauge when he would go from funny to abusive.
Second backstory. NextDoor, everyone's favorite app, where "neighbors talk and good things happen." I love NextDoor, even when it makes me want to tear my hair out. People find their lost pups, get help when their car batteries are dead, buy and sell things to keep them out of landfills and so many other amazing things. Several months ago, I became a Lead, which is a volunteer position. I absolutely love being a lead most of the time- I have gotten to know so many people and learned so much. And then.
Then you have the problem people. The people who are more like YouTube commenters or who NextDoor While Drinking. The people who write posts on NextDoor that they probably should have kept to themselves. If their posts break rules, they get reported, voted on, and removed. These posts usually involve hate speech, abuse, name calling, or threats- contrary to popular belief, they do not get removed because leads don't like the opinion or the person. This is where the two backstories converge.
Good Ol'Boy likes to post OFTEN, especially in the evening, which leads one to believe he is probably NextDooring While Drinking. Because he is He Who Must Not Be Named's bestie, I steer clear of his posts. Even when they are nasty, abusive, and breaking every NextDoor rule out there, I let other leads and members report and remove his posts. He has been banned from the site twice now. Pretty impressive to be banned, not once, but twice. Both times that he has been banned, he has blamed me, and threatened me via Facebook and texts.
The first time, his threats were bad enough that I called the police. Other people alerted me to his Facebook rant where he vowed that I was going to get what was coming to me. The second time, I woke up to this gem.

Having not voted or had anything to do with his craziness, I had to dig a little to figure out that he had been banned again. I texted back that he needed to get help. He continued on his text rant with "bitch" and "whore" and other pleasantries that I bet would surprise his pastor, for several more texts. His final rant included that I was "the ice cream cookie cake of bitches."

Hard stop.


Ice Cream Cookie Cake of Bitches? I was messaging a friend as all of this was being texted because I was so mad at being subject to the abuse being spewed at me for no reason. Then I got called this. Imagine my confusion.
I asked my friend, "What does that mean? Is he lactose intolerant? Does he hate ice cream and cookies and cakes? Because everyone knows that ice cream cookie cakes are fucking delicious!!!"
Then I went from being so mad to laughing so hard that my sides hurt. I had already promised myself that I would not respond because it is not cool to mess with the mind of someone who is obviously not okay, but I finally had to respond with, "ICE CREAM COOKIE CAKES ARE FUCKING DELICIOUS!!!"

Crickets after that. I tell you all of this for a handful of reasons. One, be grateful for your NextDoor leads because they put up with more drama than you can fathom. Two, I now lock all my doors for the first time in four years and if anything ever happens to me, Good Ol'Boy's doorstep should be the first step for law enforcement. Three, calling someone the Ice Cream Cookie Cake of Bitches is seriously perplexing. Am I delicious? Am I layers of delicious? Am I cold enough to give you a wicked headache? Am I sweet enough to give you a touch of the diabeetus? What does that mean? And four, calling someone a whore who is not in fact a whore, says much more about you than it does about them. While I am pretty sure he meant to shame me, he actually gave me a pretty hearty laugh. Made my attorney laugh too, especially with the threats.

Peace and love and whores and ice cream cookie cakes, buttercups. XX

Hazy summer

I remember the water- murky lake water that smelled like summertime. I remember being blissfully happy, thinking that we were having fun. That I finally had a "real" boyfriend, a nice guy. I had never had that before- I was an "easy" girl from the wrong side of the tracks with serious daddy issues and a penchant for looking for love in all the wrong ways.

Thursday, September 13, 2018


Do you ever have one of those moments when you do something so incredibly stupid, and
you have only yourself to be furious with? Looking back, I like to call that particular
moment August. I ignored my intuition and let my boundaries be trampled over, but I can
really only blame myself for the approximately 720 hours of hell that was the month
of August. Let this be a cautionary tale, friends.
We were supposed to be moving to Castle Rock, and thought it would be the end of
August to mid-September. An employee at a local restaurant overheard me say that I was
going to be renting my house when we closed on the Castle Rock home. He was
super-interested and told me about what an absolute great tenant he was,
how he was so clean that you could eat off of his floors, and on and on. I worked
with him, he seemed to have it together at the restaurant, and he talked a great story.
After several conversations, I decided that I would rent to him.

Ice Cream Cookie Cakes

Whore. This word has so much weight, but only if we allow it. A bit of a backstory here. Actually two backstories. The first one involv...